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Maudlin Aly

[ website | Lurid Disco Dollies ]
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I miss you... [05 Jun 2011|03:19am]
Been thinking about y purple peanut feather.
Here at a writing conference, an just missing you tooons. Old Cure on the ITunes, wine in the glass, and away from the kiddos and man-dude.
Weaning the microdude this weekend. My boobs are thesize o melons. Wish you were here, msfiend. So much happening with writing, just want to catch up, and MISS YOU!
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Updates, yessiree, updates. [26 May 2008|11:13pm]
So, I just saw that it's been about 27 WEEKS since I updated anything. Boy am I a dillcheese! Or would that be a fuckwit? Anyway, I'm thankful for all the comments before, when I was sinking in depression. Medication seems to help, and I've had to have it raised by 25 mg, so I'm at a realtively low dose. Now that we have sunshine in CLE my mood has improved, but there are still fluctuations. I have to make sure I exercise more routinely, since the endorphins hep out. D's schedule will be better as of July 1st, 9 to 5 pm actually, and no call and no weekends. We've actually gone out together w/o the kids for the last 3 weekends, so it's been refreshing. Amazing how when you have some time with your spouse or yourself, you can come back and be a better parent to your kids.

Feen is all over the place. Climbing her slide to get things off the entertainment center or bookshelf. Sitting on the dog, trying to ride her like a pony. She is the most active 2 year-old! Crap, but I feel like i need multiple hands and feet to keep up with her. And she is a snuggle bunny.

Julia is now officially done with her first year of preschool! Go 3's! we've had playdates and excursions, special days and all sorts of fun. Now we're having fun with gardening, and Julia is planning on growing tomato trees from grape tomato seeds. She's mermaid crazy and bosssssssyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

I'm doing better, and now we have 13 months till we have a real paycheck for the insane work hours D does, and till we're back in CA. If you know of any neuro jobs, lemme know!!

How the hell are you????? I miss you guys, and I'm a sucky correspondent. Hope you're all doing well!
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Dr. said Zoloft [13 Nov 2007|12:44pm]
Waiting for call from office saying he's called in the meds. Seeing a counselor on Nov. 26th, my mother-in-law will be here to watch the girls, thank God. But meds will start sooner, as per my OB.
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Gonna get some meds...I hope. [13 Nov 2007|09:21am]
Called my OB, left msg, and waiting for the call back. Last time I mentioned PPD (post partum depression) he was willing to call me in a prescription. I hope he'll be ready to do the same. I don't know if it makes a difference if Josephine's 18 months now, but it's been creeping up for several months now, and just reched critical mass now. My sister Dru told me last night she called her Dr. when my niece Katie was 18 months, and it was still considered PPD. It's just hard to make the call, especially since Julia wnaders in and out of the room when I'm on the phone and she hears a lot more and grasps a lot more than I'm comfortable with. She asks me: "Are you feeling better, Mommy?" and "are you happy, mommy?" Some things a 3 yr old shouldn't have to deal with.

I'm thinking I'll ask to start with Prozac. Any contraindications I should be aware of?

Oh, and adding to the guilt factor: This means I MUST wean. I know I am trying to do so anyway, but I feel like I'm cutting off my child immediately, as opposed to tapering off the way I've been trying.

msfiend i'll call you a little later...things are crazy right now, crying kids. ditto kartoffel.
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Ridiculous Thoughts... [11 Nov 2007|11:36pm]
[ mood | angry/sad/bitchy/evil ]

So, been having this on my mind:

"According to the U.S. National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), the main symptoms and signs of depression are the following:

Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
Restlessness, irritability
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain."

Not Really.
Hm. Massive migraine, and I don't normally get headaches. back pain has me hunched like a 70+ yr old woman. Can't carry the kids.

So, I think I qualify, 'cause things ain't getting any better. I mean, shit, 99% of my posts on LJ are so bloody unhappy, upset, whatthefuckeever. The other day I shouted at Julia because my three year old messed up her hair on picture day right after I'd fixed it. Made her cry. "Mommy, please don't be mad at me!" God, I feel like the worst mother. If I can't get my random anger and all this shit dealt with, I'm going to end up hurting my children psychologically. Julia says she doesn't like it when I'm "Shouty Mommy." Josephine just cries. But I'm noticing I can't be a healthy mommy the way I am right now, so maybe I should just face up to fact that depression runs in the family, and that single parenting while D is in fuckingresidency isn't likely to make this situation better. I'm so angry all the time. Angry he's never around, angry that he's busy or "busy" when he is here, and I'm ALWAYS the primary caregiver, 7 days a week, 24 hrs a day. Angry we get a repeat of this fucking ass schedule in March (up at 4am and back home at 8 or 9pm) as well as work on Dec 24 and 25th. And all of this, mind you, here, alone. So the girls and I will be by ourselves (again) this holiday. Angry that we're pinching fucking pennies to eke out a life here, angry that the sun is gone again for the next 5 or 6 months and the white shit is going to fall all over the roads and everything.

Fuck this. Anyone recommend one antidepressant over another? Or one to avoid? I'll be the third in my family to actively seek one out. Joy.

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HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! [31 Oct 2007|07:18am]
Hope everyone has a great one! We'll be trick or treating with the mini midgets and hopefully it'll be dry enough so we can do it! Julia's little jack-o-lantern is out front and she's going to have pumpkin parade at school! Wooot!
Have a great Halloween and don't gorge too much on tasty treats. I'm going to indulge in a glass of red wine (2-Buck Chuck, if you must know) and some dark chocolate! And I'll be watching the classic Miles Family Halloween Movie: Young Frankenstein!
"'Zere wolf!"

I'm off to "roll roll, roll in ze hay!"

Love youse guys!
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[19 Oct 2007|10:27pm]
My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult is coming. Would kinda sorta like to go. Would really rather dye my hair, tho.

Everyone is asleep. I should be writing, working on manuscript, putting things up on ebay, even dyeing my hair, but my brain is full. Kinda like your stomach feels after a full meal, but it's my brain. Tired.

Tomorrow we'll be at Boo at the Zoo at Cleveland Metro Zoo. A lot of fun, and I'll be accompanied by a gorilla, a monkey and a "Cinderella Strawberry Bumblebee." Fuck, I love my kid's imagination. Can't wait till Feen can gab/jabber just as much as Julia! Well, perhaps, she won't as much as chatterbox Julia (CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK, don'tcha know?).
We watched "Meerkat Manor" with her tonight, and she cuddled with D and I, and said "Meerkats is my favorite animal, Mami." And when I said "Gracias" to Feen for handing me a toy, she said, quite clearly: "You're welcome."

Well, blow me down.

Oh, and I'm crying over the Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercial. Go to: www.myaspca.org

Oh, oh. And I wish I was doing the Timewarp. Julia knows the steps (sorta) minus the "groupsex" chant. But, anyway, wish I was boogie-ing with angeldye and msfiend.
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A bit of this and a bit of that... [17 Oct 2007|10:43pm]
[ mood | thankful ]

So, I'm trying once again to catch up on what everyone is doing, figuring that losing sleep is pretty much going to happen anyway. I've had so much caffeine today, from staying up last night, trying to do the same (and make my computer usable, deleting files, etc.)that I can't sleep. May as well get in touch with everyone, and let you know what's happening in this corner of the Midwest. I'm so bad at finding the time to see how everyone is doing, and I'm trying to make it a priority. It keeps me sane to know what you all are doing. Sorry off the bat if I'm not commenting on what's going on, but it feels a \bit like a drive-by, y'know? Barely get a chance to read up and something pulls me from actually making any remarks.
bah. I have no fucking idea what I'm trying to say. I miss you like all fuck. Or as angeldye would say: "PUSSY NOUGAT!" I hope I got that straight!

Lesse, some updates here. Finally moving along in the weight loss. I've lost 49 lbs since January 1st, 2007. I'm at a comfortable size, actually, embarrassingly, better size than I have been in YEARS. I look at pictures when I first met some of you (no, not as far back as when I met you, palito89, but post UCLA) and I'm close to that. 175lbs today. I've lost approximately the combined weight of my kids. At their current ages. It feels damn good, and it's so heartening that I can do even better. i know there is no fucking way that I'll be 150, but I'm shooting for at least 160. Besides, the vegetarian in the family, D, has been warned that if I DO get down to a size 8, I WILL BUY LEATHER PANTS!! I've got a big ass, and at a size 8, I'm gonna flaunt that shit! Now, at a 12, well, it still looks like plumbers butt, right?

Kids are doing well, growing, and sadly, speaking less Spanish than I hoped. It doesn't help that I code switch constantly, but that's the problem with living in the middle of the fucking country. Few and far in between are the times I find another Spanish speaker. Mierda.

D is working hard, and has 20 months more to go to finish this rigamarole that is residency. Anyone know of academic/teaching neurology positions opening up in SoCal in 20 months, let me know!

Been thinking, I know that in 20 months it's not going to be like a spell has been broken and everything will go back to how it was, what, almost 6 or 7 years ago. We've all changed, I know I sure as shit have, and that we all have lives that have moved in different directions, but I honestly have not met a group of friends that I cherish more. I have a shitty way of showing it, failing to keep up with what's going on in your lives and surfacing intermittently to give a rabid spew of wtf I happen to vent that day. But really, thanks for the comments, the updates on you, and the just fucking being there. Thanks for metaphorically holding my hand when i give the universe the finger, or for physically doing so when things are good, and love overfloweth and all that.

As always, miss you guys like all fuck. SMOOOOOOCH.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! [31 Aug 2007|06:47am]
Happiest of birthdays to msfiend!!! Hope today is wonderfully happy, and that B and darknessorlight continue to make you smile and share in your day!

You are a wonderful friend, and I am always grateful that I have you in my life.

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Hallooooooo! [03 Jul 2007|10:42pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

So, D's in Spain (don't ask...ambiguous feelings about this) for 10 days and the girls are asleeep. Damn but I'm tired. I've got some sort of plague-cold-congestion crap. Probably has NOTHING to do with the stress of watching the girls by myself w/o a break yet again. Sometimes I wish it was just so easy to jump in the car and say "Later! I'm going out of town for a few!" But, I can't do that to my girls. Have to make sure they're okay first.

And sadly my plan to go to RTBookClub Convention in Philly in 2008 will most likely tank. The Finances are not what they should be, and can't imagine that I'll be able to set aside money for that w/ the paying of debt and day to day expenses. Oh, and I better plan well for Winter, because come Dec, my loans come due. Those are the crappy $10K plus interest I borrowed so I could go to school here. State school was much more expensive, so I had to go private. Two semesters later, and I'm no further along (really) than I was when I left LA.

Oh, and can I tell you that the Ohio Goth list is utter crap? The latest thread is : Spam. Who's getting a lot of spam from the list. Months of silence and then this. Be still my heart. Well, since I'm no longer even blody well able to get out, even when there was club info it was in buttfuck, OH. Like 2+ hrs away. Oh, for the days when I was up to travelling to get to a club. Bwah!

Been watching Bjork and the Sugarcubes on DVD. Man I love her hair in "Violently Happy." I'd love to get it chopped, but fucking Aveda School Racist Pricks ( the place I went for a $13 haircut) treated my mom like shit, so fuck them and the horse they fucking rode in on.

Thanks for tuning in to my lovely insane rant today, brought to you by the letters F and U and the number 6. Hopefully bu tomorrow I'll be less insane and ranty. Love you and miss you all.

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[29 Apr 2007|01:06am]
Now, in slightly better mood, with thoughts of hair-itude.

Anyone have pics of black and purple hair? I'm looking for black on top and purple underneath. Not necessarily dreads and the like,but kinda streaked or such. Pondering if hair color will make me feel better. Usually does. Wonder if Aveda School will do it?
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[24 Apr 2007|10:03pm]
This counts as a third post! Bwah hah hah!

Tireed and kids are in bed, and everything is pretty much quiet. I should be writing, in fact MUST be writing to meet any kind of self-imposed deadline, but I'm so fucking tired. I have a princess dress to fix ( sewing...ick!), underwear to wash for the potty-trainee ( keeps pulling them off and stuffing them in the hamper, insisting she wear new ones, and I have chocolate craving and will have to get off my ass and make some pudding.

Oh, today, Josephine said "dog." Right after patting the mutt. *le sigh* Kids are cute, even as they fray your very last nerve. Gotta check the YMCA and see what it's like here, and get enrolled. They have childcare, so it's a win/win situation there. Any recommendations as to what to start up on, aerobically speaking, class-wise? I haven't done anything in a LONG-ASS time, so I want to enjoy it, and not hate the class, and never go again. Pilates any good?


I miss youse guys.
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Twice in a week...wow! [22 Apr 2007|10:02pm]

Nothing says baby birthday like the ZOOOOO!

We went and met up with a our friends and former neighbors from our old sucky house. They were smarter than we were and they moved first! It was a great day and we saw all sorts of animal, with Julia and Josephine going nuts and babbling at them.

Then we went to TGIFriday's and they had fried mac and cheese and DIRT. What a cool desert. Choc. Pudding, crushed Oreos and gummy worms. I actually had to tell Julia that it wasn't REALLY dirt. She got really worried, and wasn't going to eat it!

Then back home, after they fell asleep in the car and we had a leisurely drive by the lake, checking our Cleveland's western suburbs, watching people wash their boats. God, I hope the weather stays decent. if it snows again (might, it's CLE after all!!) it might be harakiri time. Or seppukku? Whatever.

Now, everyone is alseep, and I should be too, after all, I have to get everyone on the road tomorrow. We have a pediatric Well Baby visit for Feen's 1yr. They will probably take blood, because we have lived in a house that is pre-1950 made. So Lead is a big problem. THIS IS going to be AWFUL. having been through it with Julia (2x's)it is horrible to sit your infant on your lap and HOLD HER DOWN, while someone draws blood, and she's looking at you as if she's saying "Mommy, why won't you do something??" It's fucking awful, but the effects of lead are worse. Living with a Neurologist, I've heard the stories, and he's seeing the cases in pediatric clinic.

Okay, to bed now. To dream of my new favorite haircolor: Black w/ purple underneath. Saw a woman with her hair like that yesterday. LOVED IT. But I wonder if i could keep it up. Shit I can't even keep up my plain one color hair color. bah.

Love you!
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Happy Birthday, Josephine Teresa...!!! [21 Apr 2007|11:34pm]
I know it's been ages since I've posted, and since I've been up to date on everyone's life, but with kids sleeping, and waiting for a cake to finish baking, suddenly it seemed like a great time.

Today, 4/21, was Josephine (Feen)'s 1st birthday. I can hardly believe it. My littlest baby is one. It's been a hell of a change to go to being a mom, and then a mother of two, especially so far away from friends and family. And now suddenly the tiniest member of our family is... one whopping year old. Walking, babbling, making her personality more known. So very much not a carbon copy of her sister. Seeing smaller babies makes me miss how small she used to be, but it's so awesome to see her becoming so independent, growing larger. I can't wait to see what she's like at 15 months, 18 months...Julia has changed so much, so I imagine she will as well.

Gotta go, timer beeping.

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[27 Oct 2005|02:51pm]
So, something is terribly wrong when you wake up singing a Wiggles song.

Julia starts her day at 4:30 or 5am...5:30 if I'm extremely lucky! So, what's a catatonic woman to do when she has an active child awake that early in the am? Turn on the DISNEY CHANNEL! YES, I am a cop out! bwah hah hah! At least she dances to the music and I can wake up SLOWLY...even if it's with Dorothy the Dinosaur and Captain Feathersword. It's funny. I used to be so freaked out about letting her watch ANY t.v...even worried about Baby Einstein stuff...but since I'm catatonic, and her vocabulary has actually INCREASed ("Ojo, Bear, Tutter, bird" and various other sounds ("du" and "oooooh, oooohhh, ooooooh" as in monkey) I guess it's not all bad. I won't sit her in front of it all day, but I don't feel as horrible when i plotz her in front of Bear in the Big Blue House so I can finish making breakfast.

Oh, and it's official: Baby Lumpy (#2, Revenge of the Sith), is expected on May 4th, 2006. I'm 13 weeks and 3 days along, so I figured out of the 1st trimester would be okay to start telling. Feeling abit like a baby machine today, I must say. Tired too. And why the hell am I still here in Cleveland? Remind me? It's fucking cold here!! I wanna go back home! NOW, i tell ya!
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First day of fall and all.... [22 Sep 2005|11:04am]
[ mood | crazy ]

So, I've got some good news, after dealing with the family head cold this week (we all caught it from Julia!). We're going to be in Phoenix for X-mas, and then Julia dn I will be making a visit to LA!!! Yaaay! We'll be there from Jan. 2 to Jan 12, so no going out of town for a long haul, got it?

That means you!

I figure I'll be in Orange County at my parents for the first days (2-5 or so), and then in the Valley at my sisters or my brother's in Westwood until we leave on the 12th. The we zip back to fabulous Cleveland (aka Suck City).

I'm such a sucker...aside from all the family and friends I'm making plans to see, I'm already planning what I want to eat!

1.In 'N' Out Double Double and fries
2.Carl's Jr. Southwestern Chicken Sandwich, oh and buttermilk dressing on the fries.
3. Islands: A Toucan!!! YUM!
4. Pollo Loco: Salad with Cilantro Dressing!!!
6.Japanese take out.
7. Peruvian food
8. Real Thai food. Pad Thai, Spicy Mint Noodles!!! Yummm!

Before you all think I'm a glutton, these things don't exist here! Or if they do, (Mex, Thai) they are expensive! Or I have to get the ingredients at Trader Joe's and make it myself!!

Oh, and by the way...was it Siobahn who made the delicios guacamole at Heather and Ian's BBQ when we were there in March? (Sigh...BBQ...in March. Here it's still snowing then...)

Anyway! I am as happy as a clam that hasn't been picked up and taken to the seafood restaurant and made into some expensive dish for richy hoi poloi to eat. Yeah.

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[31 Aug 2005|10:38am]
and Happy Anniversary boadiccea and chadu!!!!
Hope you're just as happy as you were, what was it? Two years ago? Yaaay for you!
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY MSFIEND [31 Aug 2005|10:00am]
[ mood | artistic ]

Now, for a second amazing day in a row! Another post! Woohoo!
First of all:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY msfiend!!!!
I hope you have the most wonderful birthday! And that you get all the sushi you want! We miss you toooons!

Also, yesterday, watching Spanish language t.v. I saw an add for Tim Burton's The Corpse Bride! How exciting! I HAVE to watch this! It's coming out on Spetember 23rd, right?

It's raining here, I'm feeling kinda hungry, but too lazy to go and fix something right now. Soon enough, it will be lunch time. Then Julia will be up!! We'll probably be very exciting and venture out in the rain for diapers! Wow! be still your heart. I bet now you're wishing that I hadn't posted twice in two days! bwah hah hah!
So I'll check ebay and see what's selling, and what's not, and what i would like to buy for myself and the kid...just so much cool Halloween stuff for the munchkin!

back to writing...seeing as how I have to make that pay for Julia's college tuition! Hopefuly i'll finish my manuscript by no later than November. I just have to be organized (ha!) and persistent(ha!). I'd almost rather be reading with my feet up. Splish splash!

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[30 Aug 2005|11:15am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Well, everything is temoraiyl quiet, waiting for the rain from Katrina to come to Ohio. Wonder how much flooding that will bring. Nothing like what the folks in Mississippi, LA and AL have, though.

Today Julia dn I will be taking our friend and neighbor Mel out for lunch. Her B-day was Sunday, and we want to celebrate her. We might even have real Mexican food. In Ohio! Imagine that!

Things feel slightly less sucky today, but there's still the impending winter that fills me with foreboding. What kind of winter gear do I need to get for Julia? Bibs, pants, parkas, buntings, snowsuits? It's all a confusion. Bah.

Julia is running a slight fever, has been the last day or so: reaction to her 1 year shots. The Varicella vaccine supposedly has effects over a week after. Poor baby. Loading up on Baby Tylenol. I should buy stock.

Tomorrow is msfiend's birthday, and it sucks that it's another year away from her. I wish we could spend it with you, Purple Peanut Feather. Then comes brokenheather's b-day as well. And I already missed kimcheepasta's B-day. Happy belated B-days! And happy upcoming B-days! And a very merry Un-Birthday to you!

Alos, I have a friend who is working from home so she can stay with her little booger. Check out her site and see if you like what you see. www.littlepirates.biz

Oh, and Em looks lovely. Did you see how her belly "popped" after week 32? Hehe.

Love you all, smooches.

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Julia's Birthday! [08 Aug 2005|11:58am]
[ mood | happy ]

Yesterday was Julia's first birthday!

It's amazing to think that a year ago she was so tiny, that before that, she wasn't a part of our lives.

She's AMAZING. She's walking all over the place, has a grand total of six teeth (two lower, four upper) and laughs constantly. She enjoys life so much. Her dog makes her scream with laughter, and her cat makes her giggle and smile (Puchi thinks Julia's her kitten). She's so in love with her daddy that she wiggles her whole body and dances when she sees him, reaching for his beard or hair, happily tugging regardless of her strength. She calls him "dada." And he's still trying to teach her to say "Live long and prosper, Father!" and make the Vulcan hand signal.

Every time she calls me "mama" I just melt. When She reaches her arms out and asks to be carried, when she smiles that crazy-toothed grin when she wakes up and looks at me over the edge of the crib. When she feeds me from her own dish and tray, sharing tidbits with me. When she sleeps, sucking her thumb, with her bum in the air. I am so in love with my little girl, and I thank God for every minute, every second I have with her. She makes every day have so much more meaning.

She had a lovely day yesterday. We went to the zoo, saw monkeys, elephants and cheetahs. She even touched a donkey. I videotaped her. I'm turning into one of thsoe annoying people who MUST RECORD her childhood! *G* But, hey, she loved wathcing the video tape later, and we're teaching her the names of the animals in Spanish. Thenm after a nap, we had lunch, and two of her favorite people in the world, our neighbors Jay and Melanie (who babysit her and love her very much), came by and had cake. She even got her very own chocolate cupcake, which she devoured. Chocoholic like her mom! That night was a bath night, especially to get the chocolate frosting out of her hair. Then, in our bedtime routine, she fell asleep in my arms after such a long and eventful day. And once again I thought to myself, the way I have for the last tear: "I am so lucky to have such a wonderful, special little girl."

Happy Birthday, Julia, my sweet little monkey, my Bumblebeeloo.

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